Embracing change

I thought I was stuck in a rut, and always feeling lousy about it. This feeling had crept into every corner of my life, and it did make me miserable.
Until I got a wake-up call yesterday. Like a reminder or something. I got to stop this now or it will consume my life. Things aren't always gonna be better, and it's high time I started learning to deal with stuff like this. 'Bad, emotional stuff'.
So this person came to mind, this 'role model'. The way she behaves in the show, exuding confidence at any moment, and always having a way to deal with problems, perhaps this is something to emulate.
So I can start becoming a more 'confident' me. Believing in myself.
I don't know how long this 'drive' is going to last, but hopefully, long enough.

卡片

卡片收在柜子里，装满了多少年来的回忆与祝福。那是永恒的，挥之不去的。

有时趁着家里单独一人，趁着当下宁静的时候，会打开抽屉，再一次阅读卡片。看了，真的钩起好多回忆。

第一次收到卡片，那在中一。记得级任老师规定，每位学生生日当天，都得在班上宣布，且由其他同学为他唱生日歌祝寿。另外，有一个由几人组成的委员会，负责做卡片给生日的同学，之后再交给老师签名，以表加上她的一份祝福。虽然没有太多的祝语，或是设计，但还是同学的一份心意。所以，还是开心地收下了。

中学时期，朋友不多。算是只有几个人会主动替我庆生吧。中三那年，换了当时蛮流行的电话，朋友便以电话的图案作为封面，写了一张卡送我。那是第一次收到算是较为‘个人化’的卡片吧，因为里头写了朋友的祝贺语。很感动。那张卡比收到的礼物更难能可贵。

后来，长大了。进入了理工学院，后来又去实习。可能冥冥中自有安排，让我在学校认识一群好友，又让我换了实习工作，在新的公司交接到一群‘古灵精怪’的同事。这几年来，过了生日，到中国浸入学习，后来又当兵，最近刚过上21岁生日。感谢朋友近年来送的卡片；因为他们的字迹，让原本平凡的卡片，变得无价了。

或许，这种人与人之间的感情很可贵，所以我执意圣诞或是生日，都要送上卡片，且是亲自‘做’的。真的，它比任何礼物，再昂贵的厚礼，都显得可贵、无价。

Year 1

Afternoons are the best times to reflect and ponder. Especially when time is limited and you're at home with nothing better to do. Sometimes, because of national service commitment, I just found myself with lots of free time at home. Like now.

It's been a year since enlistement. Almost. Much has happened; much has changed. Since the moment the letter came, I felt like my life had just experienced some changes. Big or small, from then on, life wasn't gonna be the same anymore.

For about a month, I gave myself every opportunity to be happy, stay happy. It was after all the last few weeks of my civilian life before I embarked on a whole new journey, one filled with trepidation, anxiety and unknown.

I must say the past year has brought about in me many changes. Times when I felt I could be doing something else outside instead of being in camp, I found myself wondering, what exactly can I do? And if I do have my weekdays back, how do I know I won't be wasting time outside roaming the streets or watching shows all day?

So as surprising as I find myself saying, I owe it to this experience that allowed me to grow and learn. Sometimes we do hate the things we do, but ultimately, we look back, and we thank those who made it possible for us to mature as humans. Now, as we embark onto the next phase of this journey, I hope we can still continue to grow and learn, so when we look back next year, we can proudly say that we have done well.
 



Birthday note

 May always brings to me a sense of uniqueness, like it was a special month all by itself, bringing surprise and joy each day. Perhaps it was because my birthday falls on this month, or maybe it's just a reminiscent feeling of last year's pre-enlistment nostalgia. Anyway, it just holds a special place in my heart.

As for turning 21, it's more like a formality to me rather than a reason to celebrate in a grand way. Of course, one only turns 21 once, so it's reason enough to remember this way with a huge party or something.

I guess gathering with a few friends is enough for me. It might not seem

like the best way to some, but well, I'm sure we all had fun last night.

And of course, to my family, for always making me feel special.

This weekend has been a blast for me.

Tribute to friends

When picking out a gift for a friend years ago, I chanced upon this message printed on a bookmark, 'Friends are families we pick for ourselves.'. Many years have gone by, and I still clung on to this message dearly, like a motto in my life.
Indeed, sometimes the hardest moments in your life were made possible because you had the company of your friends. Death of a loved one, doing badly in school.. You've cried, lashed out, and they were always there for you, offering their patient ears and concern. It might take hours to listen to you; it might take days, if not months, to help you resolve the problems, but they never once complained. Because you mattered to them.

So when I heard a speech given at a friend's birthday party recently, I couldn't help but feel emotions welling up in me. The way she expressed her gratitude to all those who attended, and for helping her in some way or the other throughout various stages of her life - that was no simple thank-you; it was an expression of love.

To Dorcas: I am really flattered to have you as a friend, and throughout the 8 years we have known each other, we have progressed from mere acquaintance to really good friends. Thank you for the support you've lent me, whenever I landed in lots of trouble in CHS, or since KC departed and I always needed some company. The party was awesome, and I'm sure we all had fun last night. I look forward to seeing you soon, and more importantly, happy birthday. :) We will finish this current phase of life together, and remember our graduation trip in 2012!

 

Dear Huisi: On and off we would meet up, sharing our lives' moments and chatting about everything we can. We had our fair share of lovely banter ( I do enjoy them so much!) and those not-so-lovely disputes. But I'm glad we still made it through as friends for 4 years. You made my poly life more interesting than I could possibly imagine. I know, your birthdate isn't on the most favourable day this year (Friday!) and certainly most of us aren't free to celebrate this defining moment for you. The good side is, we get to have a joint celebration together. It won't be the most fun or exciting celebration, but I know I'll be surrounded by dear friends that day who really matter (though they seem intent on turning it

into a 'we've-been-friends-for-four-years celebration').Yes, I'll be honoured to celebrate my 21st with you. I look forward to that, but meanwhile, happy birthday in advance! I hope you have fun that day.

I love the concept of the photo collage. It was like showing people whom you cherish that you do remember the unforgettable moments you shared with them, and they are an important part of your life.

So here, I say, I love you guys.

Good ol' poly

Not too long ago, school was a mundane chore invented by some people who thought everyone needed to learn something, something we might never use once we grew up. School was a chore, or at least it was nothing worth looking forward to, especially when it meant long distance travelling (lots of it!) and waking up in the wee hours of the morning. But there is always a part of you that beams at the thought of seeing your friends, or finishing that project that you've been working so hard on. Then you realise, it's not so bad after all. Just recently I had a chance at returning to my alma mater. God, it felt great. Even without the bustle of students walking about hurrying off to wherever it is, it still felt like a school. My school. Those.. walkways, where we had our shares of jokes; that particularly inviting loft where we held our photo exhibition, hung out... Not forgeting the library, canteen and the atrium, of course. We spent our free time there doing that little amount of assignments and sharing that huge amount of gossip. Of course, that's really all that matters. Perhaps, the worst part is seeing that those times may no longer be relived again. But trust me, you still do feel kind of connected, like some part of you was stored here- always had been, always will be. You see the school like it was a fantasy world you and your friends dreamed up, and shaped. You may have graduated, but you know you will always belong here. And more importantly, you still have that gang of friends with you.

The ideal life

Ever since secondary school, I've always pictured myself in front of a laptop, typing away, seeming busy, but in fact isn't. Perhaps I was inspired by Phoebe in Charmed, who became a columnist towards the later part of the show. It seemed so easy, just typing away at the laptop, giving some thought-provoking comments to problems raised by readers.

And that's where I am now, doing exactly what I pictured.

Maybe to the 'me' years ago, this would have been an unbelievable thing- owning a laptop and being able to carry it anywhere. Yet now this seems mundane, ordinary.

That's just human- we are never contented. One day we want a house, the next day we want the world. It does seem good to have dreams, ambitions, but sometimes it can be a bad thing. We want something so bad, the process can sometimes become arduous, if not impossible to go through.

Just a few days ago, many achieved freedom in, let's just call it, 'the temple of countless insufferable souls all waiting to devour you, suffocate you', and suddenly, they went back to what lives were before- free, simple, and with a future ahead. Yes, that is what we all want. Well, almost. And so I watched, green with envy, as those people proudly proclaimed their freedom over the net.

I remember being in attachment, and starting my countdown from the very first day. I would come to the screen every night, and sat there pondering how it would be like on my last day, when I was finally free. That day came last year March 21, and I did feel so liberated. I was ecstatic. The next day I spent the day at a mall and slowly roamed around.

So here's a challenge to myself, and all those out there waiting: Do your best and endure through! Your ideal life will come soon, when you can finally see Sunday as a day to relax and look forward to it, instead of treating it like a curse in your life.

For me, I would wait to come to that sacred day. I would enrol in that long-awaited course, and go earn myself some money with a real job. Life would start afresh once more.

Just we all wait.

68 weeks more, folks.